So my life flies by so fast sometimes I feel like I’m in the middle of the ocean. Then something happens to remind me that all the things I do aren’t that important. My big sis lost her baby last night. That’s two times in one year. And I know it’s a personal thing to talk about, but this is my home. I am so upset but like I keep it all inside. I haven’t even told any of my friends, just Ghost. I really am just digging into my work to keep my mind off the situation, but it’s so lame. I mean in my family I am the asshole, not her. I have done so much bad shit and she has this kinda thing happen to her? I mean it’s so damn unfair. She just wants a lil baby you know? And now her blood is all over the floor. Just pain and emotion. And here I am. Her only brother. Impotent and far away. Lame.
I would do anything to help her. I mean I got a lot more sins on me than she does. If I could trade places with her baby, I would in a second. I already had my chance you know? I was in Essex last weekend and they got more than enough babies there. Why can’t she have one. I mean for reals. It sucks and I can’t do anything to help her. I rage, but it’s not enough.
There is this old poem from my people that I think about at times like these. I’ll paraphrase. God where are you? I cry and I scream and I’m in the desert. There’s not water. No food. No love. All my enemies are pointing and laughing. Why do you hide your face God? Why won’t you look at me? How long are you gonna hide from me? What the hell did I do?….I will wait. I will wait as long as I have to. You promised you would come back and you have to keep your promises. So I wait and I wait, but just so you know, the waiting sucks.
I bet most of you didn’t know we put that kinda stuff in the Bible. I’m just full of surprises when I’m sad I guess. I reckon most people expect me to curse and hate on God n stuff, but that never seems to work. I mean at least in my heart I feel like this baby is in heaven now waiting for her. I heard that in Ireland they say that she gave birth to an angel. I think that’s kinda sweet in a sad way. Today is one of the few days I wish I was rich. So I could just jump on a plane. But I would bring no comfort anyways. I’m her brother. I can’t protect her from this kinda thing.
So I just sit here on this island. Alone. Bleeding quietly for the neice or nephew I never got to know. And my life feels a little bit emptier today.