So I’m out with my bro in law, well it’s my sister’s boyfriend but it’s super long term, and we hit the bars on Friday night. I’ll shorten my usual lengthy intro and get to it. I am just hanging out with him and not working girls but of course I end up talking to a professional sports team cheerleader. I don’t wanna say which team or too much because I know you sneaks will figure it out….
Her chubby glum roomate is super lame but she doesn’t stop us from talking and doesn’t even force my bro to talk to her. She lets him sneak off to call my sister. So I chat to this girl for like an hour or so and she seems awesome. We start talking about Orbital. Now if a girl knows about Orbital I instantly like her. Of course if her body is tight as a drum as well…..I think you get the idea. She is digging on me super hard so I get the digits. I can’t just go home with her because I got my bro with me and I am not putting him in that awkward situation. I know he would just sit in the living room talking to the chubster, but my sis would be wicked mad. I don’t need family drama.
So me and him slip off. When I get home she starts blowing up my phone. I’m so bored. I have nothing to do. etc…. She just dumped her boyfriend of a year and a half earlier that day. She doesn’t say too much but I get the feeling the relationship was tumultuous. I get a little bit of a Lifetime movie vibe.
She is smoking hot, so I wanna creep on her so bad. I’m too drunk to drive over to her place and it’s just too complicated a situation. The next night I’m going out with some new dude from the local lair. I’m not teaching so I just go out to raise hell. I know I’m gonna get drunk so I take a taxi to the bar. The whole way there my cheerleader is blowing me up. Text text text. She agrees to meet me at 1am for a date. I think we all know what that means.
So I hang out with the dude for a couple of hours, but that’s a sidestory. She has to go home and change after her part time job. I’m like I am sure you look fine etc…. I hate waiting. But it was worth it. She is wearing the tightest black dress of all time. You can see everything. All the guys are scoping her when she walks in and she comes straight up to me. I get that full LondonPaladin feeling. Like hell ya I still got it! You know? 21. Smoking hot. Cheerleader. Into me. It’s allll good.
So we have a couple of beers. She kinda lets me know that her last boyfriend was super possessive and it was a problem. I’m like babe I’m the opposite. A bunch of guys she knows walk up and it’s clear they are orbiters. Instead of my usual move of Tanking them (from My Best Friends Girl – great movie) I just tell her that I gotta use the bathroom and that they seem like really nice guys. I disappear for like 20 minutes. Some gorilla tries to start a fight with me in the toilets but my complete disinterest overwhelms him and he walks off.
I come back and we chill a bit more and then she’s like I guess it’s time to go home. She asks how I got to the bar. I let her know I have no car and she offers to give me a ride back to mine. Ten minutes later we are back at her place. We end up chilling on her porch and drinking beers for three hours or something.
I never felt that sexual spark. Usually I just know in my guts when it’s time to go for it. And I just never felt it. it’s weird. I can tell she’s attracted to me and I’m attracted to her, but the physical is just all off. At 4am or so she tells me it’s time to drive me home. We are now in her bedroom and I tell her that I hate that moment when we get to my house and it’s awkward and I’m like do I kiss her or do I not kiss her etc. She is like I just broke up with a long term bad relationship yesterday so I’m not ready to do anything.
I’m a nice guy at heart and by now I have the feeling that things between them were physical and not in the good way. So I’m not gonna pressure a girl who’s this damaged.
We get back to mine and I start to get out of the car and she’s like what? I don’t get ANYTHING? So I go for the kiss immediately and we have a high school style kiss.
I already know at this point that all signs point to crazy and that I should never talk to her again. You just get that feeling. Obviously I now can’t resist her.
We have plans to hang out Sunday but she sends me the friends text. She tells me she is too damaged and needs time away from boys. Yay!
So come Friday I’m out at the bar with JohnnyC69 getting my wasted on. I am friends with a part time model/bartender and she was hooking it up. I know we did at least 6 or 7 free shots. So it all got hazy. At some point she came to meet up with us and I try to ditch Johnny. Because I am an asshole.
But he comes back and joins us for a few minutes. I’m hammered so my first thought is “this son of a bitch is creeping on my new toy” but really he was bored of the other girls around us. He talks to us for ten minutes and he is like dude that girl has the lowest self esteem of all time. You need to get out of here. Stay away from her. My attraction skyrockets because crazy girls know how to bring the noise in bed.
I’m so hammered that I then lose her talking to her friends. Two underage girls start creeping on me because they think I’m with her. It’s great. All I remember is that she left without me and when I realize it and call her she’s gone home. I take a taxi home and consider my epic drinking problem.
Saturday night at 1am. 8Days since first contact.
She calls me and says she’s bored and wants to see me. She says all of her friends are out of town and she is lonely. I am sitting in my room programming so what do you think I would rather do. Some times I just think with my little brain.
I can’t really describe the course of events after I arrived. Time lost all meaning in the vortex of insanity so I can only offer you some highlights. And I promise you that this is at most 30% of the crazy shit she said. It’s been two weeks and I am really trying to block it all out.
She opens her mail and finds a huge bill from the hospital. She tears it up and says ‘let’s see those fuckers try and get me to pay when I’m dead.”
She tells me how she met a guy in the hospital with a big red mark on his neck. He tried to hang himself.
She decided not to date him because “You shouldn’t date people you meet in the asylum.”
That’s right all you HATERS. I found a girl who was actually in the mental hospital. So don’t ever tell me you met a crazy girl until you meet a girl who got locked up for it!
She starts saying how she is texting with her ex again. I instantly know she will get back together.
He is a really good guy. He just gets super jealous because he is really insecure and doesn’t realize what a great guy he is.
He is almost 30 and basically unemployed but he’s just finding himself.
She isn’t allowed to go out or be near any other guys because he gets really jealous. He cheated on his last girlfriend a LOT so he knows that it’s easy to cheat.
When he goes out with his friends he turns off his phone and he yells at her. He needs his own space and privacy. I point out at this point that he is 100% cheating on her and she explains that no – she is too hot to be cheated on.
She concludes this story by saying that yes he hit her. But only once. And it was really her fault for starting it. And he will never do it again.
At this point she goes from calling him her x to calling him her boyfriend. That’s right. That set of stories made her want to get back with him.
She went on about how he’s her first true love and she’s willing to work really hard and just wishes he would work really hard too. She also mentions that she loves to watch Lifetime movies. I laugh and tell her she’s living one.
Then things started getting really crazy.
It’s all such a blur I wish I had recorded it.
I finally wanted to leave because I was just so bored after an hour of this. She blocked the window with her leg. Yes. You go in and out through the window. And is like you can’t leave me right now. She intimates that she might kill herself if I leave.
I am really turned on be emotional blackmail.
But don’t worry. It’s all getting better.
She starts telling me about the girl’s she is friends with that I should meet. Like the one who had a baby last month but put it up for adoption. Or the girl she got kicked out of high school with.
The whole time I am texting JohnnyC69 telling him what to tell the cops when they find my body in the woods.
The highlight of the evening was at dawn. I am still trying to leave. So she fakes appendicitis.
I am not even joking her. She starts screaming and telling me she has unbelievable pain in her side. Now I’m freaked out that if I leave she might die. I do not want that conversation with the cops. Especially with my fingerprints on the window and shit.
So I keep googling medical stuff on my phone and telling her that it might be an STD. Some of them have the side effect of insanity. she says this isn’t possible. Finally the pain just goes away after 2 hours. The longest 2 hours of my life. And I got trapped inside a rollercoaster in Japan. By myself. This was worse.
She tells me that she can’t wait to hang out again. I tell her that I will never see her again. As I’m leaving I do try to get one last kiss. I mean come on. I am still a little bit of a creep. She explains that our first kiss is the only time she’s ever cheated on her boyfriend and doesn’t want to do it again. She asks if we can just be friends.
Um. I don’t need friends that I fear will cut me in my sleep. But thanks.
What I did wrong
First of all. Her attraction was diminishing by the moment after our first encounter. The sexual spark was there that first night and each time after that was less and less. Why you ask? Because this girl is bat shit crazy and wants to get back with her ex because he treats her bad. Which is her fetish.
I needed to go home with her that first night and have that rebound sex and then never talk to her again.
I also ignored all the warning signs. I actually screen for crazy pretty hard when I meet girls. Then I ignore my warnings.
That first night at her house I could feel it happening. I was thinking too much comfort + not enough physical = let’s be best friends!
Now the reason the physical is off is because she is attracted to abusive relationships. This means that all of her physical signs and signals are off. I don’t speak that language so I don’t know how to turn her on. That’s why we ended up with me becoming like an orbiter.
I kept going back after I knew she was crazy. I basically live for the adventure. I went over to her house because I knew it would be a great blog post.
It’s just not worth it. I have access to lots of beautiful women. I need to avoid this type of girl.
Also, I cut out HUGE portions of her terrifying stories. I didn’t even tell you anything about her mom or her several crazy dads. So when you see me in person, feel free to ask!